What if I were Black? Would my life matter?

What if I were Black? Would that matter?

Or Hispanic or Latino?

I am not an expert on diversity or race relations but it is my passion as a result of a life changing experience.  I've twice filed legislation on the subject and have done two Ted Talks.

We are a product of our experiences and environment. We live in a world lacking respect and with too many people thinking they are entitled. We also live in a world that treats people differently. I happen to be a white male and because of that I’m afforded a certain amount of privilege just for what I look like. I can never walk in the shoes of a person of color but my experiences probably help me understand things a little more than most white people. 

When I was a teenager I saw several videos and read articles about Boston Celtics legend Bill Russell talking about the discrimination he faced growing up. I subsequently read his books and became saddened, frustrated, angered and inspired.

How could someone be refused entry to a restaurant to have dinner with the rest of his teammates because he was black?

Why would white security guards at the Boston Garden ask him for his id after he had won multiple championships for the team and city?

Why would bigots in Reading break into his house, destroy his trophies and pool table, defecate on his bed and put the N word on his walls?

Why did those same bigots knock over his trash barrels when he was on road trips? When he went to the Reading Police, he was told the “coons” must have done it, as in raccoons. After he asked for a gun permit, the “coons” did not return. (BTW – the Reading Police profiled a black DEA agent while driving through town in 1998 and did the same thing to a friend who is Haitian and lived in Reading in 2008. I had to bail him out and was told he was pulled over for a broken tail light that didn’t exist.)

These awful stories opened my eyes and heart to realize that we live in a world where not everyone is treated the same. Of course the Russell events took place in the sixties but it left an indelible mark. I must note that I definitely feel we’ve made significant progress as a society but still have a long way to go.

In 2005 while I was on a family vacation at the Ft. Lauderdale Sheraton, we were the first family by the pool after a thunderstorm and were soon joined by about 75 others, all of whom happened to be black. It turns out that we were in the middle of a wonderful African American family reunion.

After some time elapsed my daughter Rachel, who was eight at the time, told me she wasn’t comfortable and wanted to go back to the room. We went inside and I asked her if her discomfort was because everyone was black. She shrugged her shoulders and didn’t say anything. I told her it was ok and that she had never been in this situation before and asked her to think about the brother and sister at her school who were the only kids of color. That was their world every day. 

I reminded her it didn’t matter what color someone’s skin was or what religion they were as God created everyone equally. I also told her to think about how cool it was for kids meeting cousins they probably didn’t know they had and grown-ups who hadn’t seen their relatives in years. I said let’s go back outside and enjoy the day. So she jumped into the pool and became part of the family playing football and doing what every kid should do, simply having fun.

It was the greatest teaching moment of my life and I knew it happened for a reason and I knew I had to do something about it. It made me think about the other white kids in Stoneham where Rachel lived and how they probably never experienced being a minority while black kids, Hispanic and Latino kids and other minorities live it day in and day out. 

Another powerful thing happened that day when I befriended this little boy who was working his way around the side of the pool and several times he let go and went under and a grabbed him. As fate would have it, our families left the pool at the same time, got on the same elevator, and got off at the same floor. His family went left and mine went right. While he was walking away he turned around and yelled “I’ll see you by the pool tomorrow”. I said I was sorry but I was leaving in the morning (on a cruise). He put up his little hand and waved and said “bye friend” and I did the same. It was a moment I will absolutely never forget!

Having been predisposed to being very aware of the sensitivity of race relations, I knew I had to do something with this. It led me on a crusade and I discovered my passion at the age of 40. I realized I would pursue all things diversity related the rest of my life. It led me to attending all kinds of diversity events, whether they were for African Americans, Latinos, Asians, Women, LGBT etc. I began reading as much as I could and networking with people who were experts in the field.

Something amazing happened along the way and it caught me off guard. When I was asked why I was attending a certain event, I simply told my story and the reaction I received was incredible. Some people actually cried, many thanked me and others asked why I decided to act upon things. There were skeptics and detractors as well. But I realized I now had a responsibility as a white male to make sure I told this story and be a voice for people who don’t look like me. It also opened my eyes to white male privilege. Something very real and unfair. 

I twice filed legislation on the importance of race relations, diversity and tolerance by renaming a road in Stoneham and Reading. Twice the bill died in committee at the State House as white politicians and citizens were uncomfortable and some angry with what I was doing. Two years in a row I pulled Rachel out of school and we testified at a public hearing at the State House with other friends on the importance of race relations and diversity from a white perspective.

I put articles in the local papers and went on local cable and not everybody wanted to hear what I had to say. I received some hateful racist emails and could see the discomfort and bigotry and ignorance in some people. All this did was further my resolve to make a difference.

One meeting that will always stick out was with the Town of Reading’s Human Advisory Committee, it’s role was to provide advice to the Board of Selectmen on how the community can encourage an environment of tolerance, understanding and harmonious racial, ethnic, religious, cultural and gender relations within the Town and among its citizens, prevent discrimination or the perception of discrimination on the basis of color, age, gender, religion, disability, culture, national origin, ancestry or sexual orientation within the Town or among its inhabitants and enhance its ability to mediate differences arising from the aforesaid relations.

I explained to those in the room (citizens, a selectman and the Chief of Police) that I thought it was important to honor Bill Russell and essentially acknowledge and apologize for a series of wrongs that took place decades ago. Although no one in the room had anything to do with the hatred that took place, I was certain that some of those who committed the hateful and bigoted acts still lived in town. 

At that point a selectman said “Bill Russell was a racist!” I told him that Mr. Russell was married to a white woman and I asked him if he had ever been discriminated against, and he said no. I then asked him if he was ever discriminated on sight because of the color of his skin and again he said no. I told him that we had a chance to not only teach our kids in the area about the importance of respecting others who don’t look like us but to improve the image of Reading as it had a poor history when it came to race relations. Needless to say they saw things differently and were uncomfortable or had other opinions about why they would not agree to my legislation.They preferred to keep their head in the sand and not show courage and leadership.

In 2014 a friend who was on a committee for a Ted Talk in Boston at the Isabelle Stewart Gardner Museum suggested I submit a two minute video, so I did and was chosen as a participant. I was given almost 10 minutes to share my story. To my surprise I was chosen as one of two finalists to advance to the Landmark Center in the Fenway for a 2nd Ted Talk. Here are the links if you’re interested. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLzcpqBk4bg 7 minutes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPD21Ta4prA 14 minutes

My story clearly resonated with people as they would share their experiences, good and bad, mostly bad. Whites, males, females, lesbians, gays, transgendered, blacks, Latinos and Hispanics, Asians, Jews, Muslims, you name it I talked to them and realized that a different world exists.

So I certainly understand why Black Lives Matter was started. I prefer All Lives Matter but I can never experience what it’s like to be black. I also feel that the African American community and communities of color too often play the race card and jumps to conclusions prematurely. This is probably done out of frustration because we live in a social media world that provides 24/7 news and sensationalism and the media salivates over anything involving race as it is a ratings magnet.

Bottom line is we’ve made significant progress since the sixties and hopefully we can continue to come together and civilly discuss how we can improve things for everyone especially those who are marginalized.

I tried to do my small part through a yearly Celtics night. For 13 years, starting when Rachel was in kindergarten at St. Patrick’s in Stoneham I got tickets to a game for kids and parents. What started out as 20 people the first year, exploded to over 200. Since the group was so large, the Celtics let 20 kids play on the parquet floor for 5 minutes either before the game or at halftime. I realized the opportunity to introduce some diversity to my daughters and to the children of Stoneham and always put aside 5 spots for children of color including two spots for children from Boston area homeless shelters. I also opened up the group to people and friends from all backgrounds and when I emailed the group I shared my story about Mr. Russell and how he inspired me growing up.

As far as Mr. Russell is concerned, I was blessed to have met him a couple of times at events he attended and briefly share my story and told him how he inspired me and that the Celtics night, especially the kids playing together, was a tribute to him and that something good actually came out of the shit he had to endure decades ago. He was very appreciative and thanked me and said “through giving we receive strength”. Hopefully we can continue to give and get stronger as a society to improve things for future generations.

October is National Depression Month – a time to help yourself and others

It could be your mother, your father, son or daughter or maybe your brother or sister. It might be a friend, relative or neighbor or even a co worker or quite possibly it could by YOU. We all know someone struggling with depression.

Just like cancer or diabetes, depression doesn’t discriminate. It effects the young and the old, the rich and the poor, men and women of all races, religions, ethnicities and sexual orientations. However, unlike the other two illnesses, depression comes with a major stigma because it is mental. If you suffer from mental illness like I do, you get labeled. So it is important to inform, educate and discuss.

Historical and famous figures including Abraham Lincoln, Sigmund Freud, Princess Diana, Mark Twain, Ernest Hemingway and even Buddha struggled with depression. Some of our contemporaries include Cheryl Crow, Tipper Gore, Janet Jackson, Earl Campbell, Billy Joel, Catherine Zeta Jones, Greg Louganis, Rosie O’Donnell, Marie Osmond, J.K. Rowling, Darryl Strawberry, John Claude Van Damme to name a few admit to battling depression.

I've struggled with depression, anxiety and ADD my entire life but nothing prepared me for what I went through last year. After being downsized and failing to raise the necessary funds for a non profit I had been working on for two years I started to spiral downward just like the plane you see in the movies and I crashed and burned.

My unemployment ran out and the money I borrowed from my retirement account was dwindling and I completely lost my confidence and had a nervous breakdown. Coupled with the depression and anxiety I shut out the world. I was lost and it didn’t just impact me but those who loved me. We all felt helpless.

The worst part occurred between November and February (I watched the SuperBowl in bed without emotion) when I stopped eating, caring and didn’t know what was going to happen. There were times when I would stay in bed for a week and not even know what day it was. I distinctly remember being forced to go to my daughter’s basketball game by my father and after the game was over she came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was to see me. She then said she was going out with her some of teammates and I said to her “don’t you need to go home and do your homework for tomorrow” and she looked at me puzzled and said, “dad, it’s Friday”. I honestly didn’t know.

Thankfully I’m blessed to be surrounded by amazing, caring and loving people who weren’t going to let go. My parents, daughters and sisters and several friends along with my therapist and doctor did everything they could to ensure that I did what I had to, to get healthy which I eventually did.
Medication, therapy and making life changes can ensure a normal, healthy and productive life. It doesn’t mean it’s easy, it’s doesn’t mean that you won’t find challenges and struggles but everyone does.

Unfortunately there are too many people with mental illness that do horrific things such as mass shootings which sets all of us back. Just because you’re mentally ill doesn’t mean you’re a threat to society. You are however a threat to yourself and that is why it is so important to get help.

Those of us who have depression often feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk about it. We feel like we’re damaged goods and people are going to look at us differently. We can feel weak. That is when you need to find the inner strength to step forward to take action. Talk to someone in your life and go see your doctor. It is irresponsible and foolish to not take action when the opportunity to get better is available

I remember many years ago talking with a therapist at St. Elizabeth’s who told me not to get mad at myself but get mad at my depression. It’s not your fault that you have a chemical imbalance in your brain.

It can be hard work at times, by we all deserve to be happy and enjoy life like everyone else and you can. It’s up to all of us to help each other. If you sense someone is depressed don’t be afraid to approach them in a respectful and loving way and tell them you care about them and suggest they contact their doctor. Since October is National Depression Month screening is widely available.

Remember depression doesn’t just impact the individual but also those around them. It can end relationships, result in job losses and suck the quality of life right out of you, but it doesn’t have to be that way. If you have a setback you have to pick yourself up and do what is necessary and get back on that horse. You have to understand it will take time. It’s a process of trial and error. Doctors don’t know which medications will work. I’ve probably tried close to 20 antidepressants in my life. Some worked for a while and many didn’t. Some had lousy side effects.

Alcoholics in recovery understand that they have to live one day at a time. People with depression should take the same approach and do what is necessary. For me, hot yoga has become my panacea. I go three times a week and it has changed my life. For me it helps not only physically, but spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

As I look back in the one year mirror I’m so grateful for the love and support I received from so many wonderful people. They know it wasn’t deliberate. I was sick and they stood by me. Thank you isn’t enough.

If you know someone who is struggling consider it a gift to offer your help. You not only can alter the quality of their life, you could possibly help save it. Don’t be afraid to speak up. We all need guidance in our lives. Nothing will change unless you take action. Let the action start now. I certainly don’t have all of the answers but am here to speak with anyone who is struggling or knows some who is. Helping others is the greatest gift. Please feel free to share this with others.

Some Sterling Moments For Diversity & Inclusion

As the news becomes public that the LA Clippers could be sold for a staggering $2B it is a good time to look back at how this came to fruition.

In the opinion of this writer, progress can be often defined as the residue of previous setbacks.  We live in a world of ebb and flow and things certainly flowed badly when Clippers Owner Donald Sterling's racists statements went viral.

A plantation mentality was revealed, one that many felt was emancipated about 150 years ago.  It's sad and hurtful that Sterling's proclamation was made, but the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.

Numerous friends of color have told me that some people who live in the south will let you know exactly how they feel when it comes to race relations.  There's no hidden agenda or secrets.  While some in the north keep their hatred hidden.  Of course generalizations can be dangerous and often inaccurate.

It's 2014 and our President is bi-racial and this is disturbing to some people.  Why?  This is pathetic and sad.  So much for living in a post racial world.  Bigotry will always be present so it's everyone's responsibility to be open minded and not only embrace equality but encourage and promote it.
Equality should be ubiquitous.  From the boardwalk to the boardroom.

The hatred of an octogenarian needs to be acknowledged.  There are many maggots crawling around and it's our job to expose and dispose of them as they are the bane of our existence and the scourge of society. Each Sterling that is outed, and there are too many of them, represent one step backward and two steps forward.  We'll take progress any way we can get it.

Contrast the Sterling situation with the powerful image of Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend after being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.

The genuine and spontaneous joy exhibited between two people who care about each other was clearly evident.  Two people in a relationship celebrated an incredible accomplishment in a way that is normal yet many saw the PDA of two men as disturbing and wrong.

Their sexual orientation belongs to them not us.  It is part of who they are and ESPN was there to capture it.  Images such as these transform society and force people out of their comfort zone and put them in a position where they must confront their biases.   DIVERSITY IS ABOUT EQUALITY NOT SELECTIVITY.

To paraphrase Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. - let us not judge people by whom they love but by the content of their character.  The character of Sterling and Sam couldn't be further apart.

They call it diversity and its music to my ears!

The music was cascading beautifully from the stage.  After all it was New Year’s Eve and it dawned on me - there's so much diversity & inclusion funneling into my ears and before my eyes.

While listening to the band it was clearly evident that the whole was so much greater than the sum of its parts.  There were three different horns and alone they could have commanded quite an audience.  Then there were the strings, the drummer and the keyboard and of course the vocalist. Throw in the tambourine and harmonica and it was off the hook!

There's no illusion it’s all about diversity and inclusion.  In music, in life, in love, in business. If this falls on deaf ears it’s your loss, you may just miss out on a true hit that reaches a very vast audience.

I’m white. And I’m straight.

That is my story and it’s a little different than Jason Collins who graced the cover of Sports Illustrated on May 6^th and said “I’m black. And I’m gay.”

It’s sad that it took this long for him to come out.  I wish I had the honor of knowingly supporting him when he was a Celtic. (If he ever actually made it into a game.)  It’s much sadder that his sexuality is even a concern.  

It’s the Fourth of July and we’re approaching the 250^th birthday of our country and we actually have a President who is half black in the White House. 

The first two lines of the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence state the following: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

Despite the antiquated and sexist language of this wording (all men and women are created equal) it is absolutely true.  So it is troubling that Jason Collins uttered the following in his interview with SI. “Imagine you're in the oven, baking. Some of us know and accept our sexuality right away and some need more time to cook. I should know -- I baked for 33 years.

When I was younger I dated women. I even got engaged. I thought I had to live a certain way. I thought I needed to marry a woman and raise kids with her. I kept telling myself the sky was red, but I always knew it was blue.

I realized I needed to go public when Joe Kennedy, my old roommate at Stanford and now a Massachusetts congressman, told me he had just marched in Boston's 2012 Gay Pride Parade. I'm seldom jealous of others, but hearing what Joe had done filled me with envy. I was proud of him for participating but angry that as a closeted gay man I couldn't even cheer my straight friend on as a spectator.”

Why do some in society play judge and jury when it comes to who someone loves?  Apparently, those of us who are heterosexual have done such a great job in the game of love we can dictate to others who are attracted to the same sex.

About 1% of the total number of currently-married or registered same-sex couples get divorced each year, in comparison to about 2% of the total number of married straight couples. Note that the percentage of couples that get divorced eventually is close to 50%, but only 1% or 2% of them get divorced in any particular year according to the Williams Institute, a prestigious gay-legal think tank located at the University of California Los Angeles,  Nov 11, 2011.

Unfortunately, I’m among the 2%.  But I digress.  Think about how many of us get married and shouldn’t.  Then think about how many of us have kids and absolutely shouldn’t.  In the big picture does it really matter if Bob loves Bill or Mary loves Jill?   Does it really matter if someone has two moms or two dads?  As long as there is love in the household, everything else is irrelevant.

I’m the proud father of two wonderful daughters.  I am truly blessed.  If either one of them or both were lesbians I would not care, nor would I love them any less.  The same would hold true if they were boys and gay, bisexual or transgender.  As long as they were happy.  Isn’t that what’s most important in life?  Happiness and health.  Everything else is truly secondary.

A couple of years ago I volunteered at the 100^th anniversary NAACP Gala in Boston and witnessed one of the most powerful things in my life.  A woman who was probably in her 60’s or 70’s was screaming “in my lifetime” at the end of the African American National Anthem (yes there is one) when a picture of President Barack Obama appeared on the screen.

I can’t begin to tell you how or what I felt at that moment.  It was incredible.  It was wonderful.  It was also very sad.  I know for a fact that when she was my daughter’s age she never, in her wildest dreams could have imagined a person of color could actually be President.  It’s quite probable her grandparents were slaves.  So you can understand her overwhelming joy.

Hopefully, the LGBT, Latino and Asian community among others can feel that same joy one day.  I’m probably not going to be around to experience all of the above but hopefully my daughter’s will be.

I planned on writing this post during June (Pride Month) but time eluded me.  In order to get some perspective I reached out to someone I really respect who is a diversity expert in Boston and is gay.

His story was very powerful.  He didn’t play team sports growing up because he was concerned about how he would be treated.  As an adult he fell in love and married his partner and they started a family.  While openly gay and maintaining a high level position in a Fortune 500 Company for many years another executive in the company whom he knew for years and got along very well with and respected unexpectedly told him that homosexuality was a sin and that he didn’t approve of his lifestyle.

Once the initial shock wore off my friend asked the other gentleman what he would do if one of his children told him that they were gay or a lesbian.  He told him he would try to “change them” and if he couldn’t they would no longer be in his life.  How sad is that?

A couple years ago I contacted someone on Linked In who was a scientist from Russia and a lesbian.  I asked her to meet me for a cup of coffee because I wanted to know more about what her experience was in terms of her sexuality.  She told me that when she came out while living in Russia her family essentially disowned her.

It made me think about the depths and challenges of diversity.  As a white male I have undeserved privilege.  It’s just a fact that I can do nothing about.  It just is.  I then think about people of color, African Americans, Latino Americans, Asian Americans etc.  They don’t always have the same opportunities as I do.  They have worries I never will have to concern myself with.  But they will always be accepted by their families and friends for being who they are.  That isn’t always the case if you’re LBGT.  I can’t imagine having Sunday dinner at the Sansone home and telling my family I was gay and my parents telling me to leave.  But that happens.  It doesn’t happen to anyone else who is simply being who they are!

Just last week CA’s top court approved same sex marriage.  It was legalized in MA in 2003.  The number of states approving same-sex marriage has doubled to 14 since election day 2012 yet thirty-one U.S. state constitutional amendments ban legal recognition of same-sex unions.  Of these, nine make only same-sex marriage unconstitutional, seventeen make both same-sex marriage and civil unions unconstitutional.  Why?

The end of the Declaration of Independence states “And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.”  

If I could I would like to pledge that Jason Collins could feel comfortable loving whoever he desires and not have to worry about what others say or think.  Maybe newly hired Celtics coach Brad Stevens will bring Jason back.  That would be real pride!

Lovell Dyett: I loved him madly and miss him deeply!

Bob Sansone, Lovell Dyett & Karen Buscemi (his producer at WBZ) - Breakfast at Brother's Deli St. Patrick's Day 2012

REMEMBERING LOVELL:

A CELEBRATION OF THE LIFE OF LOVELL DYETT

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Roxbury Community College

1234 Columbus Av., Roxbury, MA 02119

Program: RCC Media Arts Center (Bldg #1- Main stage) – 1:00 to 3:00PM

Reception: Student Center Café (Bldg #4 -201) – 3:00 to 4:00PM

FREE & OPEN TO THE PUBLIC

Donations are now welcome:

Remembering Lovell: A Celebration of the Life of Lovell Dyett

Please make checks payable to:

Remembering Lovell
C/o The Joyce A. & James R. Reed Charitable Trust, Inc.
(Tax ID): 273288842

Mailing Address:

Jose A. Alicea
Roxbury Community College
Room 3-455
1234 Columbus Avenue
Roxbury, MA 02120

Please visit the Remembering Lovell Dyett Facebook page

On the surface we didn’t have very much in common.  He was a Civil Rights Leader and Emmy Award winning tv and radio pioneer and legend who was black.  I was someone who had a career in the insurance industry who was white.

However, friendship and love transcend race, ethnicity or any other “difference” that too often sadly divides us.  One thing we certainly did share was our passion for diversity, inclusion and civil rights.

He was very close with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and I twice filed legislation on the importance of race relations, diversity and tolerance.  This common denominator led to an absolutely amazing friendship.

Like thousands of others over the years, I called into the “Lovell Dyett Show” on WBZ Radio 1030.  It was late one Saturday night in the summer of 2006.  As a matter of fact I was the last caller of the evening as his show ran from 9:00 pm to midnight.

I shared with him and his audience what was probably the most powerful experience of my life.  In late June 2005 while vacationing at the Fort Lauderdale Sheraton, my family found ourselves poolside (approximately 75 people) as the only white family in the middle of a wonderful African American family reunion.  For the first time in my daughter’s lives (Rachel- 8 & Hannah - 5) they experienced what it was like to be a minority.

Since Civil Rights and Diversity were so important to Lovell, he was captivated by this story.  His show was about to end so he asked me to stay on the line and give my information to his producer Karen Buscemi.   She asked me to keep them in the loop and maybe Lovell would have me on the show down the road.

Well sure enough, less than one year later he invited me into the WBZ studios to appear on his show.  In April 2007, I appeared in studio on the Lovell Dyett Show between 9:00 pm and 10:00 pm discussing my pending legislation across the table from the legend himself.   He peppered me with questions as only he could and we discussed the incredible events that took place at the hotel in Florida two years earlier and more importantly about the absolute necessity of addressing race relations in this country.

It was pretty surreal to be on his show, but for him I was just one of the many guests he had over the years.  Once 10:00 arrived, it was on to the next guest and I was on my way home.

Fast forward almost four and a half years, I learn that Lovell was ill and hospitalized, so I decided to pay him a visit.  That visit changed both of our lives.  It was the week before Labor Day 2011 and I showed up unannounced in his hospital room after work.  I re-introduced myself and told him that I wanted to see how he was doing and discuss my passion for diversity.

I think I caught him off guard and I don’t think he was feeling well that particular day so he asked if I could come back another time.  He asked me to call over the weekend and re-schedule a visit.   So that’s what I did.  I could sense he was feeling me out.  Why did I just appear out of the blue?

We had a nice conversation and he asked me to come by tomorrow afternoon (Labor Day).  Since he was hospitalized I asked if I could bring him anything.  Did he have any cravings for any type of food?  He said he would like a peach pie.  So it was off to Whole Foods in search of peach pie.   I also brought along some ice cream.  What is pie without ice cream?

He was in a community room watching the Red Sox game with two other patients.   He introduced me and said we could talk in a room down the hall.  He was in a wheelchair and he asked me to wheel him to the room.  As we proceeded down the hall he asked the following, “do you want a lecture or a conversation”?  I chuckled and responded, “I would like both”.

The lecture/conversation lasted three hours!  It was like I was visiting with a real life history book.  I was in awe.  Several times during my visit, nurses would check in and make sure everything was ok.  He told me about how he grew up on the campus of Bethune Cookman College in Florida.  His father was the school’s minister.  But he clearly was a “momma’s boy”.  He absolutely adored his mother.  Whenever he spoke about her, his eyes and face lit up.

I asked him about his relationship with Dr. Martin Luther King.  He immediately said Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.!  He said initially he was one of his “boys”, but quickly MLK Jr. realized his level of intelligence and he became a close friend and valuable member of his inner circle.

Even though it was really only the second time we met, you could sense a strong connection.  You can’t spend three hours hanging out with someone, enjoying great conversation unless something is there.  So as it was time to leave, I told him how much I enjoyed our “conversation” and how grateful I was that he spent so much time with me.  He told me that he had only given me part of one of his lectures and that I had to come back tomorrow.  I said “are you serious?  Would you be up for it?”  He said he was, and said I would.

So the following night I was back at the hospital for another “three hour visit”!  He laughed and told me that the nurses were talking about us after I left yesterday.  I jokingly said they were probably wondering who this white guy was and what did he want.

From that day to the time of his death on Memorial Day 2012, there wasn’t a week that went by that I didn’t make at least one visit to see him.  Usually it ended up being multiple visits.  And the visits with Lovell were never short ones.  Some lasted as long as six hours and almost everyone included the mandatory cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee.  The man loved his coffee.  He also loved fried rice.  I would tease him and tell him I may need to get a second job to afford these visits.

On two occasions, we received a day pass and went out for the day.  The first time we had lunch in Central Square in Cambridge and the second time we met his former producer Karen Buscemi and her family at Brother’s Deli in Wakefield for breakfast on St. Patrick’s Day.  He really enjoyed that afternoon.

For me, our relationship went from fascination, to friendship, to love.  He was the most amazing person I ever met.  He loved to engage people in conversation.

The stories that he shared were amazing.  Whether it was meeting with MLK Jr. when he came to Boston, to Jackie Robinson visiting at his house in Florida.  The man knew everyone.  He told me about how he twice interviewed Bill Clinton – once in the White House.

He met Oprah, J-Lo & Dr. Wayne Dyer to name a few.  I was curious as to who was the person that he met that he wanted to meet the most.  It was the one and only Duke Ellington.  That explained his signature sign off from his show, “I love you, I love you madly”.

One of the people he admired and loved the most was Tom Atkins, who became the first African American elected to the Boston City Council in 1967.  He was also the first African American student body president in the Big Ten (Indiana), and a Harvard Law School Graduate.  He really had a special place in his heart for Tom.

He told me about the time the two of them were in the south, I believe it was in Georgia, and they were hiding in a ditch on the side of the road avoiding gunshots from Klansmen. 

 

He reminisced about the good times he had with Tom Atkins and former Boston Celtic legend Bill Russell, someone I deeply respect and admire.

He was extremely religious and always kept a Bible bedside.  He would often tell me how he counseled people in the hospital earlier in the day and how he loved a good sermon.  Religion and education were staples in his life.  He was incredibly proud that his daughter Lydia graduated from Harvard.

As time passed it became clear that Lovell was nearing the end of his life.  It was something that I denied for awhile but reluctantly had to accept.

While our friendship lasted only eight months, it was something that we both cherished.  I was truly blessed to have Lovell in my life and I will always be grateful for the time we spent together.  

From time to time I listen to a voicemail he left just to hear his amazing voice.  I know he is in a better place and I know he is talking to someone.  Rest in peace my friend.  I love you madly and miss you deeply.