“Darling you got to let me know. Should I stay or should I go?”
Is the beginning of Clash’s hit song a question or a statement?
The latter is something at one point or another that probably ran through the mind of anyone who has ever been in a relationship.
When two people make that special connection it’s beyond words and can generate a strength that can challenge the sun.
But when there’s a disconnect and things short circuit, things can spiral back to earth faster than a failed satellite.
So exactly what makes a dad leave?
Is the responsibility just too much and he weakens to the point that he has to run for the door?
Does she (or in some cases he) push him beyond his limits that he is left without a choice?
Or is there just that horrible breakdown, where the blame pie can be sliced relatively down the middle and the only thing remaining is the crust of irrevocable differences?
Whatever the reason ends up being, it’s one thing to leave a relationship and a completely different story to LEAVE A CHILD OR CHILDREN! That is something I cannot begin to fathom.
I guess that’s because my dad was my basketball coach, my baseball coach, for one year even my principal. He was the person I turned to when I wanted or needed something and almost all the time, the big guy delivered – and still does. Even when I pushed the envelope plenty, he stood by me, sometimes with strap in hand, but that’s how they rolled back then.
I don’t remember how old I was when he told me that his father left when he was six. But it left me with a very empty feeling. Many years later he came back into the picture, but there never was any there – there, if you know what I mean.
So can one person fill the void caused by another decades later? Probably not, but I felt the need to try, so when I was 22 I decided to become a big brother. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was getting into, but I knew it was the right thing to do. It’s a decision I’m still reaping the benefits of almost 25 years later.
I still remember meeting Tommy (10 years old) in 1987 for the first time. We walked down the street while his mother waited at the big brother office. I was probably just as nervous as he was.
Since his father wasn’t around, his mother Connie wanted him to have a male role model in his life especially with three sisters at home. I don’t know if I considered myself a role model at the time, but I guess I’d had to do.
Everything happens for a reason, so I shouldn’t have been surprised after ordering weekend season tickets to the Red Sox from a newspaper ad that we ended up in Row 1! We had 1st row seats in the centerfield bleachers of Fenway Park! Can you believe it! Here’s the really hard part to believe. The tickets were only $4.00 each!
We did all kinds of great things together from going to different sporting events, to bowling, to going to the movies, to driving a U-haul to NJ to help a friend move. One Friday night we drove to NY to see the Sox play the hated Yankees.
Guess who was an usher in my wedding?
Guess who drove Tommy, his mother and grandmother to his first day of college?
When Tommy turned 18 our match officially ended and we were recognized as the longest match in the state! One thing was for certain, our friendship wasn’t about to end.
Like any friendship there can be a period of time when you lose touch a little bit with someone you care about, but you never stop caring. Tommy was now a man and I have to admit, I missed the little boy even though I was now a proud father of two amazing daughters of my own.
We did make it a point to see each other on the holidays and would get together from time to time as I loved his three sisters and mom.
At one point, I learned he was looking for a job and got him an interview at the insurance company I worked for, he did the rest and we were reunited.
He stayed on for a little while but eventually decided he wanted to do something else. It was so rewarding to see him mature into an independent person with an incredible personality.
We all get swept up in the ebb and flow of life and you have to take the bad with the good. I was facing the worse – divorce.
You can always count on family and friends to be there for you when times are tough. Fortunately for me my sister Andrea came to the rescue and let me move in with her. I was still close enough to my kids and my job that there wasn’t much additional turmoil to what already existed.
For two years things remained relatively normal when my sister decided she wanted to move and this time she wanted to live alone. I certainly understood. After all she did for me, how could I complain? But now I was faced with having to find a new place to live.
At age 43 I wasn’t about to move home, but didn’t have many options since I was only making a relatively average salary and had the responsibility of child support.
Karma is an amazing thing. When I wasn’t sure where to turn next, guess who was there waiting for me? That’s right, that little boy I met three decades earlier. Right around the time I learned my sister was moving, Tommy’s mother lost her courageous battle with cancer.
Before she passed, she told me to look after Tommy, but it was Tommy who was looking after me when he told me I had to move in with him since his three sisters had already moved out and he was now alone in the house he grew up in.
Talk about symmetry! What goes around comes around.
I never could have imagined while walking down the street in 1987 with that little boy that he would be there for me in my time of need almost a quarter of a century later. You just can’t make stuff like this up.
It’s been said that when you give, you receive. No truer words have been spoken. I love Tommy like a friend, brother and son and could not imagine my life without him.
Sadly, there are far too many more Tommy’s and Tammy’s out there waiting for someone. So with the holiday’s right around the corner, instead of donating money to a worthy cause, please consider donating something far more valuable - your time and friendship. It’s something you can’t put a price on and something that will stay with you for the rest of your life.
The Big Brother & Big Sister programs are nationwide and they realize the frenetic life most people live so the actual commitment of time isn’t what it was back in the day. It’s more about quality than quantity.
As a former and without a doubt future “big”, I encourage you to think of Tommy and the countless children that need a male or female role model.
If you do make this incredible decision you’ll be singing the next two sentences of Clash’s hit song:
“If you say that you are mine, I’ll be here til the end of time!”
Please visit my blog: sans-one-doubt.blogspot.com
